Ouch!

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. And it's been a long time since I've seen a doctor. Ever since the fiasco of one physician including the phrase "possible cancer" in my charts when he referred me to a specialist, I've been working to keep my medical history as empty and boring as possible so that we'll have even a minimal chance of success should we need to change insurance plans.

I like the new doctor a lot. She was right on time. She talked with me and we had a chance to get to know each other a bit. She seemed genuinely interested in "the bigger picture" of wellness. She even knew all about my mom's Gorlin Syndrome (I don't think I've ever met a family practitioner that didn't have to go look it up first).

The doc thinks I've got allergies to something out here in Virginia, and that's why I keep getting this bronchial stuff that weighs me down and makes me lose my voice. We're trying the cheapest and easiest way to see if that's the case before pursuing other possibilities (another thing I like about her), though she's ordered some general bloodwork just to get an idea of where I'm at.

In the meantime, I feel like someone is standing on my chest. This nasty bug has lingered for a couple of weeks now, and mornings are always the worst. *cough cough*

But the weight on my lungs is nothing compare to the weight I felt on my heart this morning. (Notice the past tense. And before you read on, I'm going to whine about old wounds a bit so feel free to click on some other Internet link and enjoy the day if you'd prefer... *grin*)

I needed to browse through my old e-mail archive in search of an address for someone. Unfortunately, I stumbled into the Folder of Nasty Letters (tm) from a handful of people back in Arizona -- the written record of just how hateful some people can become. I thought I'd deleted all of those a long time ago. Yet apparently they're still lurking about somewhere deep in the bowels of my hard drive. Several of them I never even read beyond the first paragraph or so because it was obvious that they were neither truthful nor honoring to God.

Yet, for some reason, as I came across them today, my curiosity got the better of me and I actually read a couple. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had just deleted them immediately (though I thought I did that before). In an instant my emotions were rushed back to Fall of 2006 when a handful of people revealed their true selves in response to the incredibly difficult-but-transforming experience I was walking through. I remembered once again the sharp contrast between those who clearly understood and embraced God's grace as a way of life and those whose bitterness had become a hurtful poison to themselves and others. Some of the people who wrote them don't even realize that I've read their words to this day. (Hey, if you've got a habit of gossiping, it shouldn't suprise you that your audience will feel free to forward your words around to others as well. And if you're going to put it all in writing...)

I sat here in my office for a few minutes kind of reeling from the whole thing. But I learned a few valuable things from the ugly surprise:

(1) Old wounds are still tender. The pain came back quickly and with intensity.

(2) The hurt from old wounds doesn't last as long. There was a quick sting of disappointment, but not a lingering ache like there once was. God has done wonders in my heart, and it's now so easy to rush into his presence and be reminded of his love, grace, and compassion.

(3) It's been a couple of months since any of that stuff affected me emotionally. Time really does have a healing effect as the reminders become fewer and further apart.

(4) I really am right where God wants me to be right now, and I am so blessed! I found myself rejoicing to be part of such incredible friendships and to share life's adventure with such a great church. Over and over again in recent weeks, I've seen God's people not just talk about grace but really pour his grace out to others. It's a beautiful thing to watch God's family live out the clear instructions of the Bible and to love each other, be patient with each other, encourage each other, share each other's burdens, and serve together. As several of our visitors have been saying about Hope, it's really "refreshing!"

(5) I'm embarrassed that I don't pray for some of the people who wrote those letters anymore. I used to pray for them all the time, because I truly believe that angry words are reflective of a fearful heart. Maybe I just wanted to forget about it and move on; I offered to meet with anyone and everyone who was hurting and wanted to share a journey of healing, but I'm only responsible for my own choices. Still, I have this sense that God wants me to bring them to him. And since he already knows them, loves them, and wants the very best for them, he doesn't need my prayers to unleash his blessings upon them. It's more a matter of lining my heart up with his heart -- with voicing my thoughts and learning to conform my perspective with his true, loving, gracious passion. (And, yes, I realize that if God wants me to conform my perspective with his through prayer then that means my perspective is still "bent" somewhat.)

Man, I've got a long way to go. I suppose that's true for all of us. We're all "works in progress." And I'm betting there are still lessons that I have yet to learn from all that happened; I want to be in the habit of immediately turning to the Lord with an eager, supple, receptive, humble, teachable heart.

I got to thinking about a wonderful, sweet woman I know who went through a divorce following the discovery of a horrible, unrepentant betrayal. Even though she has moved on in life, is surrounded by great friends, and is entering a season of really unique and beautiful blessings, I know that she has "triggers" that cause her to revisit the pain and sense of loss when she least expects it. I'm betting that just about everyone has these kinds of triggers in different ways.

That's why I find such serenity in the Psalms. God totally gets it! He listened to the cries of guys like David and has preserved those prayers for so many centuries. They give a voice to the confusing and sometimes overwhelming feelings in our hearts. By including those songs and prayers in the Bible, God is inviting us to bring those same thoughts to him -- to be swept up in his comfort and peace, and to be strengthened by his grace and love.

"I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain... Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to you to hide me. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing."(Psalm 143:5-6, 8-10 NLT)